Since I’ve owned that I have trouble with peace and started to analyze why, I’m finding that I’ve been living with a lot of major blocks to peace. It’s like layers of an onion coming off, and the process of identifying them has encouraged me, but my shortcomings seem endless. I still am really struggling with having consistent peace and have too much frustration, doubt, fear, and sadness. The number of things in my life now that are challenging is maddening, and I’ve got to reach more peace.
When I only use my mental-tools (i.e. focusing on accepting and positive realities), the peace is short lived, and I’m back quickly to frustrated over something, but it lasts longer when I’m connected with God, which I neglect too often. It’s like driving a manual transmission truck that only has 3rd and 4th gears (i.e. mental-tools). You can rev up the engine and ride the clutch enough to get started in 3rd gear, but the truck will break after a while of that. Trucks that get up to speed through all the gears run smoothly for a long time. A connection to God is my 1st and 2nd gears.
My God is the one that sent Jesus Christ to die for my sins. I was saved at thirteen, but as I got out on my own, I fell prey to debates between science and religion and living like a rock star. It was not until my first child did I seek the answers to my questions and start to get real and grow up spiritually. Christianity is so much more than a code to live by and the path to Heaven, it has informed me of my purpose for existence and gives me a base of trust and confidence to take on challenges. Although I have to remind myself sometimes, I know that following God’s push to give up my corporate career success and financially comfortable life, spend our savings, and take on a farm venture that has more probability if failing than succeeding, and is hard work, was the right move. The experience has already provided so much already that if we were to close the doors tomorrow, it’ll have been worth it.
Challenges done with God are the way to draw closer to Him, rely of His strength to get through them, and accept that some results may not be realized until Heaven. Sometimes only God can comfort me, and I know He knows all of what I go through and he cares. If a relationship with God were easy, I would not seek it so nor would it mean as much. Putting this down on paper is one thing, but me living it consistently is another.
I’ve started to pay more attention to my thoughts and have noticed that I really dwell unnecessarily in negative ones, borderline obsessive, especially the things I can’t control or don’t go my way. I use this focus too for good in planning or analyzing problems, but they too just consume me. So much so, that I leave myself little space for playing or joy. This farm venture has seemed to amplify this part of my personality and coupled with lots of challenges, I find myself lashing out and more at the ones closest to me, which doesn’t feel good at all.
It’s clear to me that I have to actively pursue peace, to be intentional about my thoughts and actions. Whether it be praying, thinking about my positive realities, or meditating of accepting what is, I have to start that action as those aren’t my default. I do feel like I know more about having more peace, but I’ve got to put some new things into practice. Don’t get me wrong, I do have some peace; in fact, more than I’ve ever had in my life. But, I want a lot more.
Viva More Peace
P.S. Anyone that would like to talk about spirituality or struggles, please call me at 229.224.7385.
P.S.S. Those that starting following this Blog expecting to hear more Allison than me, please stick with us as Allison has a bunch of good stuff in the works. She is in the background of my writing pushing me to dive deep, and I’m ever so grateful for her help.